Are you healed or simply not triggered?
“Have you considered the idea that you didn’t actually heal and were able to suppress a lot of this because you weren’t triggered? It's easy to be your best self alone.
Ulysses Contract: a freely made decision that is designed and intended to bind oneself in the future.
As I am approaching my year mark of being in D.C., I can say this move continues to be one of the best things that has happened to me. It hasn’t been all roses and sunshine, but everything I’ve needed for this particular season of my life exists here. I’ve been able to rest, recover, grieve, love, have fun, be challenged, and explore deeper parts of myself in a way that new environments can facilitate. In that same vein, what new environments also show is old habits, and old habits do indeed die hard.
When I had returned from Europe, there was a lightness about me. I felt refreshed and ready to take on this next adventure. I arrived in D.C. as a brand new person - Jamie 3.0, as I’d call her. I had put to bed many of the habits that living in Atlanta would easily indulge, and I had outgrown my old vices. I was ready to be the person that traveling around Europe showed me I could be. And for a while, I was her.
I was waking up early, working out, consistently going to church, taking on new opportunities at the job, having fun dating, challenging myself to create and network in the crowds I wanted to be associated with, and hanging out—but not anything that required a two-day recovery. You get the gist. All was right in my world.
However, old urges began to surface when life started turning upside down. I started staying up or out all night, blowing cash like there was no tomorrow, reopening doors that I worked hard to close, and letting much of my routine that kept me grounded slip away. It felt very similar to the beginning of a downward spiral I had some years back, except this time, I was fully conscious as it was happening.
I went to Cali with some friends to get away and quiet my world so I could do some digging on what was happening. Thankfully, I have been blessed with some of the world’s greatest soundboards, who happen to be my best friends. As we started talking through this, I was stuck in trying to identify how I had gotten back to this point, given I was in a new space and diligent in actively avoiding certain things. Plus, I thought I worked through a lot of this in my time alone overseas. Again, Jamie 3.0.
“Have you considered the idea that you didn’t actually heal and were able to suppress a lot of this because you weren’t triggered? Like, you were away from everything and everyone. It’s easy to be your best self when you’re alone.”
I had never felt so seen and bare in my life. I couldn’t even describe what that question did to me internally. Both friends continued down this path for about 30 minutes before I said I had enough and needed to take a walk.
I carried that thought back home and sat with it for a while. I still am, if I’m being honest. It’s been a bitter pill to swallow because multiple things were and are simultaneously true. I had indeed grown from who I used to be, and there are things I should be celebrating about who and where I am today. However, there are habits and urges that come alive with too much ease, especially when familiar and fun spaces are created, showing a lack of maturation.
Let this be your reminder to all those who are reading:
Isolation doesn’t heal all.
Changing locations doesn’t magically change habits.
If you read my last newsletter, you know I was reading a book called Thinking in Bets by Annie Duke. She has a whole section dedicated to this concept that was new to me by name called a “Ulysses Contract,” or what those in healthcare would call advance directives. Essentially, it is a written document that describes what a person wants to happen if, at some time in the future, they are mentally unable to make decisions on their own behalf.
In the Odyssey, Odysseus faces a dilemma when he knows that he will soon encounter the Sirens, creatures whose beautiful singing lures sailors to their doom on the rocky coast of their island. He wants to hear the Sirens' song and safely navigate past them. To achieve this, he orders his men to plug their ears with beeswax so they cannot hear the Sirens' song, and he himself, curious to hear the song but wanting to remain safe, has himself tied to the mast of his ship. He instructs his men to ignore any orders he might give while under the Sirens' influence and to keep sailing no matter what.
The concept of a Ulysses contract offers a powerful framework not just for avoiding old temptations but also for forging new habits. It's about pre-committing to behaviors that align with long-term goals despite the allure of immediate gratification or the pull of familiar but detrimental routines.
I’ve been playing around with this concept for a couple of weeks and am using my upcoming time off during the 4th of July to create my own Ulysees Contract that will focus on behaviors I want to pre-commit myself to. As I’ve been reflecting on my behavior in this past year, I’ve been able to identify the following:
None of my routines have solidified into habits, so it’s easy to drop them when they become inconvenient.
It’s hard for me to enforce my boundaries when I’m enjoying the experience the lack of them provides.
I have a propensity to go big or go home. I’m committing either 1000% or 0%.
Given I know these things to be true about myself, I will use this as a guide to help shape how I can pre-emptively safeguard myself from falling back into old and unhealthy ways. I also have a few other guiding points that I’ll share if you are embarking on creating your own Ulysses contract:
Define Clear Goals: Identify specific behaviors you want to establish or avoid, setting clear, achievable objectives.
Plan for Challenges: Recognize triggers and potential obstacles, and devise strategies to overcome them.
Establish Accountability: Share your goals with others for support and motivation, and consider using tools or communities that reinforce your commitment.
Review and Adjust: Regularly evaluate your progress, adapt strategies as needed, and celebrate milestones to stay motivated and on track.
Well, that’s all I have, folks. If you decide to make one and need accountability, let me know! I'm excited to see how this all comes together.
With love always,
Jamie ✈️ 🌎
Questions I’m thinking through:
What does my future self want, and how does that contradict with how I show up today?
What have I learned about the quality of my decisions when I’m not in the best place (this builds from my last newsletter)?
How will I hold myself accountable?
Links I’m loving: