Don't be fooled 🤡

Perception is reality and many of us are perceiving happy people who in reality are fighting every day to show up with a smile.

Attention: notice taken of someone or something; the regarding of someone or something as interesting or important.

In one of my earlier newsletters, I attached a sketch of the high-level work I was doing to show up better in the world. Much of it is rooted in learning to create vulnerability and intimacy, not just transparency, in my relationships. Today I want us to revisit that.

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I was listening to an a16z podcast that reviewed all the top apps of 2022. Consumer Partner, Olivia Moore stated how her research shows an overall trend in consumers, younger consumers in particular, have an increased interest in their willingness to try newer apps but are cycling through them more quickly. My mind went instantly to the job market (before the layoffs). We are seeing the willingness of younger employees to jump from job to job and even company to company.

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I included the chart above to say that there are several rationales as to why we’re seeing this trend exist that can be argued, but my mind instantly went to an overall trend I’ve been reading about pertaining to the decline in the attention spans of humans.

Did you know the average attention span of a goldfish is 9 seconds? How they measured that is beyond me, but what’s more relevant and shocking is the fact the average attention span of a human is 8.25 seconds, which is down 25% from 2015.

In the age of smartphones, social media, and endless streams of information, it's no secret that our attention spans have become shorter. The consistent consumption of short-form content has completely re-programmed our attention spans.

What I wanted to understand was the real-world implications of a shortened attention span regarding relationships, both platonic and romantic, and in an intentional effort to create new relationships what might that need to look like. 

I can’t say I’m surprised by what I found.

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Today, many couples struggle to hold each other's attention for more than a few minutes at a time. Couples report they find themselves constantly checking their phones or scrolling through social media feeds instead of engaging with their partners, finding it harder to connect emotionally, as they're not giving each other the time and attention necessary to build intimacy. 62% of 30- to 49-year-olds and 52% of 18-to 29-year-olds in a romantic relationship say their partner is sometimes distracted by their phone when they’re trying to talk to them. 

We’re also seeing an increase in loneliness. 3 in 5 adults (61%) reported they are lonely, a seven percentage-point increase from 2018. This study highlights that people who over-index on social media tend to be far more lonely than those who don’t and those between the ages of 18-22 are lonelier than those over 72+.

With so many distractions vying for our attention, it can be difficult to focus on any one thing for an extended period, which plays a huge part in connection building. However, it's not all doom and gloom! By recognizing the impact of our short attention spans, we can take steps to counteract this. 

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Setting aside dedicated time for connecting with and loving up on our people and ourselves is important! Whether that means putting away our phones during dinner, scheduling undistracted check-ins, or setting aside self-care days. Perception is reality and many of us are perceiving happy people who in reality are fighting every day to show up with a smile.

Many of us fall victim to not realizing just how short our attention span is and check out before the relationship gets anywhere or disengage when our loved ones really need to be seen. I have been very mindful of this recently and have learned to not take it personally when I see it being done to me (as I’m sure I’ve done and still do several times without realizing it). In being aware that people are more distracted and more lonely, I now work to give more patience to myself and others and vocalize the experience. 

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Knowing this has changed how I go about building or maintaining a relationship’s foundation. I do things that require actual communication and presence. It has helped weed out incompatibility. Saves a ton of time and languishes on the backend! 

I tend to ask my friends if they’d like to go for a walk. I like walks because:

1) Being in nature and being on the phone just don’t go together 

2) A walk requires you to talk or learn to exist in each other’s silence - which speaks volumes

3) You don’t always have service so it’s easier to remain present. 

When calling back home, I call from my laptop and put my phone on do not disturb. This helps me to also stay present and give the conversation its proper attention.

I also have ‘no screen periods’ in which I put away all my devices and spend time reconnecting with myself. I will meditate, sit in a park, or read a book. These things have been proven to help increase attention span!

I’m far from perfect, but I can say I’ve been working and feel I am making strides in showing up better. I hope with this new information, you can take something and pass it on. Be kind and be present. It’s nothing like feeling and being seen 🙂. I’d love to hear how others are working to remain present. Please share!

With love always,

Jamie ✈️ 🌎

Questions I’m thinking through:

• Are there ways I can remain more present in day-to-day life?

• What practices can I put into place to help restore my attention span?

• Are there ways I can show up better for the people that matter to me?

Links I’m loving:

• Dating in the digital age - Article

• Social Media and Friendships - Article

• The Rise of Loneliness - Article

• How to increase attention span - Article