Letting Go to Grow
To get the most vibrant blooms, you have to snip away the dead weight, the diseased branches, and even some perfectly healthy buds to allow the plant to direct its energy where it matters most.
Hello beautiful people,
Welcome back to the last of my 3 part series on letting go and creating space for growth! In my first newsletter, we explored the power of surrender, inspired by Michael Singer's "The Surrender Experiment" (cue those Sardinian sunsets!). Then, in my second newsletter, we delved into the importance of honoring endings, guided by Clarissa Pinkola Estés's "Women Who Run With the Wolves" (and my Yosemite descanso).
Now, as we have entered the final month of the year and my final days in my twenties (which is CRAZY to think about) – I want to bring in the wisdom of the third book, Dr. Henry Cloud's "Necessary Endings." It's time to get practical and talk about the art of pruning.
While my newsletters are usually pretty personal and I even mentioned how much I struggled in creating a list of things to prune in my own life, I realized that these concepts of surrender, letting go, and pruning are universal, so I decided this time to shift the focus. We all have areas of our lives that could benefit from a little clearing out, a little tidying up, to make space for new growth and possibility.
So, consider this your end-of-year guide to pruning your life.
When many think of pruning, they are familiar with its meaning as it pertains to cleaning up of dead or diseased parts of a plant. However, Dr. Henry Cloud, in his book "Necessary Endings," breaks down this concept beautifully in how it applies to everything in life.
He uses the analogy of a rosebush: to get the most vibrant blooms, you have to snip away the dead weight, the diseased branches, and even some perfectly healthy buds to allow the plant to direct its energy where it matters most.
Cloud identifies the three types of pruning that occurs:
Healthy buds: These are the good things in your life that have potential but might be diverting energy from your true priorities. It's about choosing the best over the merely good.
Sick branches: These are the things that are actively harming you, draining your energy, and hindering your growth. It's time to cut them off before they spread further.
Dead branches: These are the things that are already gone, but you're still clinging to them. It might be past regrets, old grudges, or outdated beliefs. Let them go and create space for new life.
Healthy Buds: Choosing the Best Over the Good
Imagine a rosebush with dozens of buds, all vying for the plant's limited resources. Some buds are strong and promising, while others are smaller and less vigorous. To help the rosebush thrive, the gardener must selectively prune away some of those healthy buds, even though they have the potential to bloom. This allows the plant to focus its energy on the most promising buds, resulting in larger, more beautiful roses.
Similarly, in our lives, we often encounter many "good" opportunities, relationships, and activities. However, spreading ourselves too thin can prevent us from achieving our full potential. Pruning healthy buds means making tough choices to prioritize the best over the merely good.
This might involve saying no to projects that don't align with your long-term goals, delegating tasks even if you could do them yourself, or letting go of hobbies that are consuming too much time and energy.
Sick Branches: Identifying and Removing the Toxic
Just as a diseased branch can infect the entire rosebush, toxic elements in our lives can drain our energy, hinder our growth, and even spread negativity to other areas. These "sick branches" might be unhealthy relationships, draining jobs, or self-sabotaging habits.
Identifying these sick branches requires honesty and self-awareness. Are there relationships in your life that consistently leave you feeling depleted or discouraged? Is your job sucking the joy out of your days? Are you engaging in habits that undermine your well-being? If so, it's time to prune those sick branches before they cause further damage. This might involve setting boundaries, having difficult conversations, or seeking professional help to break free from unhealthy patterns.
Dead Branches: Letting Go of the Past
Dead branches on a rosebush serve no purpose. They are simply taking up space and preventing the plant from thriving. Similarly, in our lives, we often cling to things that are already gone – past regrets, old grudges, outdated beliefs. These "dead branches" weigh us down and prevent us from moving forward.
Letting go of the past can be challenging, but it's essential for growth. This might involve forgiving yourself or others, releasing old resentments, or challenging limiting beliefs that are no longer serving you. By pruning away these dead branches, we create space for new experiences, relationships, and opportunities to blossom.
Knowing what to prune is only half the battle. The real challenge lies in figuring out when to make that cut. It's easy to get stuck in the gray area, clinging to hope or falling prey to the sunk-cost fallacy. But with the right framework, we can make those tough decisions with more clarity and confidence.
Cloud offers three powerful questions to guide us:
1. Is it fruitful?
This question forces us to evaluate the return on our investment. Are we getting what we want and need from this relationship, job, or activity? Are we seeing the desired results? Or are we pouring our time and energy into something that's yielding little to no fruit?
Sometimes, we need to be brutally honest with ourselves and acknowledge when something isn't producing the outcomes we desire. This might mean having a difficult conversation with a partner, reassessing our career path, or letting go of a hobby that's no longer fulfilling.
2. Is it healthy?
This question shifts the focus to our well-being. Is this situation life-giving or life-draining? Does it nourish our soul or leave us feeling depleted? Does it align with our values and contribute to our overall happiness?
It's easy to get caught up in the "shoulds" and "supposed tos" of life, but sometimes, we need to prioritize our own well-being above all else. If a relationship, job, or activity is consistently causing stress, anxiety, or negativity, it might be time to consider pruning it, even if it seems "successful" on paper.
3. Does it have a future?
This question encourages us to look ahead. Is there potential for growth and improvement? Or has this situation reached a dead end? Sometimes, we cling to things because of the time, energy, or emotion we've already invested – the sunk-cost fallacy. But we need to be willing to let go of the past and make decisions based on the present and future.
If we're honest with ourselves, we often know when something has run its course. Maybe the relationship has become stagnant, the job has lost its spark, or the project has veered off track. By recognizing when something has no future, we can free ourselves to pursue new opportunities and create a more fulfilling life.
Applying the Framework
These three questions provide a powerful framework for making those tough decisions. By taking the time to honestly assess each situation, we can move forward with clarity and confidence, knowing that we're making choices that align with our values and support our growth.
Here's a little exercise to help you apply these principles to your own life:
Grab a journal and pen. (Or open a new document on your laptop.)
Choose one area of your life you want to focus on. This could be your career, relationships, personal growth, or anything else that feels relevant.
Brainstorm a list of things in that area that might need some pruning. Don't overthink it, just let it flow.
For each item on your list, ask yourself Cloud's three questions: Is it fruitful? Is it healthy? Does it have a future?
Based on your answers, decide what to keep and what to let go of. This might mean having some tough conversations, setting boundaries, or making some big changes. But trust me, the growth that follows will be worth it.
Remember, pruning isn't about negativity or deprivation. It's about creating space for the things that truly matter, the things that will help you blossom into your fullest, most vibrant self.
With love always,
Jamie ✈️ 🌎