Time for an ego check 🙇🏽♀️
My expectations fed my ego, and my ego often led me to believe that I could control outcomes. I was expecting it to play out based on who I believed myself to be and how it happened before.
Ego death: the dissolution or weakening of the ego's hold on our identity.
In part one of this series, I wrote how it is safe to expect a bruised ego when starting over. Today, we’re unpacking just how bruised my ego was and how there is a beautiful dance that exists between it and expectation.
I’ve held this close to my heart and even contemplated not sharing, but I am staying true to my commitment to bringing each of you along on this journey.
As I shared in my last newsletter, my journey from entrepreneurship back to the corporate world was not without its complexities. I knew exactly why I was returning and was incredibly intentional in my decision, ensuring there was alignment with my values of stability, advocacy, and purpose. However, there was one aspect I couldn't ignore once I said yes to the job - the nagging presence of my ego.
Before getting too deep into the story, let’s spend a little time on what ego is because I feel like it gets a bad rep.
Ego, as Sigmund Freud described it, is the self, the identity that we construct over our lifetime. It's a critical part of who we are, our unique blend of personality, experiences, and self-perception. It is the captain of our ship, guiding us through life's challenges and triumphs.
Freud, in his model of the psyche, identified 3 different levels of ego:
1. The Conscious Ego: This is the part of our ego that we're aware of, the self we consciously project to the world. It's where we make decisions and interact with our surroundings.
2. The Preconscious Ego: This is the level of ego that contains thoughts and memories that are not currently in conscious awareness but can be easily accessed.
3. The Unconscious Ego: The deepest layer, this is where our hidden desires, fears, and unresolved conflicts reside. It's often hidden from our conscious awareness.
In my opinion, ego isn't inherently a bad thing. It's a fundamental aspect of our self-identity, our desires, and our motivations. The ego, in its pure form, helps us establish a sense of self-worth and self-esteem. It's the driving force behind our ambitions and accomplishments.
However, where ego often stumbles is in the actions that follow. When the ego becomes inflexible, unyielding, and driven by an insatiable need for validation or superiority, it can lead to arrogance and unhealthy pride, giving the ego a bad reputation.
Moreover, a significant portion of our expectations stems from the unconscious ego, shaped over time by past experiences and influences. Our unconscious ego holds the beliefs, fears, and desires that shape our future expectations, often without our conscious awareness. Understanding the intricate relationship between ego and expectation is a crucial step in navigating our personal growth.
Let’s keep this in mind.
Despite knowing the "why" of my return, my ego couldn't come to terms with the fact that I had transitioned from running my own company back to a role that, on the surface, felt like a mere promotion from my previous time at Google. I couldn't help but feel a sense of embarrassment and inadequacy about how this looked. I felt that, despite having someone in my corner rooting for me, they still couldn't see me in the way I saw myself. My ego was desperately trying to reconcile my previous entrepreneurial identity with my current corporate role, creating a sense of inner conflict and discomfort.
This struggle was exacerbated by the reactions, encounters, and questions from others about my return. The recurring theme that I seemed "bigger" than the role I was returning to only served to validate my ego's perception. It was like a constant reminder that I was somehow less than I had been before, that my return represented a step backward rather than a step forward.
What made this even worse was my inability to stop comparing myself to my peers, specifically my business partners. I had gotten exactly what I asked and prayed for, but because it didn’t come with the desired title that matched theirs, I wanted to hide my blessings and discount what was a huge step in the right direction this move was for me.
So, I isolated myself for a while because I knew how ungrateful it all sounded, and I was ashamed. Something had to change.
*incoming ego death*
Ego death, in a psychological sense, refers to the dissolution or weakening of the ego's hold on our identity. It's when we let go of our preconceived notions, expectations, and attachment to a specific self-image. It's a humbling experience that allows us to shed old layers and grow. This is also much easier said than done.
Ego deaths were something I had become extremely familiar with, thanks to my startup experience. I often talk about how there’s a fine balance that entrepreneurs must walk when it comes to ego and ego deaths. On one hand, you have to have this larger-than-life ego to believe and convince others that you not only deserve millions of dollars but also that you are the one who can bring something that doesn’t exist into the world that millions of people will find useful. You then become immediately humbled by the process of realizing you genuinely don’t know anything, most of your hunches will be wrong, and feedback can be gut-wrenching, to which you have to build yourself back up to keep going. It’s a vicious cycle.
To start this particular ego death, I had to sit and allow it all to come up. Despite how terrible and ungrateful I sounded in saying everything I felt, I had to acknowledge each emotion and give it space to move through my body. I find it to be a crucial part of healing. You can’t heal what you refuse to reveal, and many of us would rather keep the ugly parts of our humanity far away from the light.
While in isolation, I had to confront all the different levels of ego, especially the unconscious aspects that were influencing my perspective. Much of it stemmed from fear. I feared losing credibility, I feared my intellect being questioned, and I feared when looking at my peers that I could somehow be seen as falling behind. I had to acknowledge that my ego was holding onto a particular image of success and status that allowed me not to be swallowed by the startup world, even though that image didn't necessarily align with my current path.
I was comparing myself to people who were doing things I no longer had an interest in and was willing to accept others’ opinions on matters about my decisions. But here’s where knowing my why and having such solid friends pulled me through this ego death.
As I began to re-emerge from isolation, I shared with my friends that the reason for my absence was that I was vulnerable to comparisons and was working through my fears. What that transparency led to was deep conversation and acknowledgment that they, too, had similar feelings and were working on it just the same. What was funny was how quick we were to remind each other of our own “whys” and how we should be nothing but proud of our next chapters because they represent the results of hard work and intentional decisions.
My friend said, “You just spent 6 months on a journey to get to this point of knowing what really matters to you and what you value. Don’t be so quick to ignore that.”
Respect your journey.
In those weeks of being fully seen by those closest to me, it was like the fears that my ego was trying to mask just faded away. I didn’t care about who had to say what. And really, the interactions I had created in my head were much worse than what was happening.
In reality, no one cared. And I feel like that’s something to call out about life. We can work ourselves up so much due to concern of how externally we think we’ll be perceived, when in actuality… ain’t nobody checking for you.
I’ve just recently passed my 90-day mark in D.C., and let me tell you, the moment I let my ego go was the moment ease came into my life. I honestly feel like I’m floating through life with a magic wand in the best way possible. I write or speak things up, and they appear. Whether that’s opportunities, community, or convenience - all of it shows up at my door without me seeking. It’s a beautiful thing.
My takeaways from spending all this time with my ego are:
The ego is not bad; it’s how we act from it that makes all the difference
Find friends you can be vulnerable with and can remind you of who you are
Comparison is the thief of joy
Ain’t nobody checking for you - do what’s best for you
Respect your journey
I prayed for ease, and I received it in overflow once I stopped fighting myself. We’ll talk more about that next time. Until then, take a moment to reflect on your relationship with ego and expectations. Have you experienced moments when your ego was at odds with your path? How did you navigate it?
Stay curious, stay humble, and stay tuned for more on this journey of self-discovery.
With love always,
Jamie ✈️ 🌎